I Think I Am Getting Old

In high school I actually wrote poetry on a regular basis. Almost hard for me to believe now. I tried to write a little something for Charlotte for our 12^th anniversary which just passed. It has been a frustrating and ultimately disappointing exercise. Someday I will have to try to find some of that old stuff I wrote back then. I wonder if any of it was as moving as I remember thinking it was at the time. I would guess probably not. From this recent failed attempt I am guessing it was more likely the result of the inward pointed idealism of youth, that made any of those lines seem special. This delusion seems to be totally gone now, at least where these poetic efforts are concerned (I still have some pretty far-fetched notions about the communicative value of some of my other efforts). Now I am just left with the realization that any talents I may have lie elsewhere.

This was, again one of too many anniversaries spent apart, and the second in a row where we didn’t get to see each other for at least a week before AND after the date. It seems like way too much of my life since meeting Charlotte, we have been many miles apart. I don't think I really remember how it feels not to have this longing for her as part of my daily existence. Maybe its always been there maybe even before I met her, I don't know. I have been trying to come up with a little something written (not really a poem, but a little poetic at least) to tell Charlotte in words how much she still means to me. How thankful I am to be a part of her life. I know she doesn’t actually need to have it said. She has got to be the most independent person I know. Even just thinking of her stirs some powerful emotions. Powerful enough I need act in some way.

I think the closest thing I have experienced that I think most people can relate to is when one of our beautiful children is being really cute, and I just have to nuzzle their neck- “get some sugar” as I think Charlotte’s Mamma always called it. I suppose that kind of urge isn’t all that uncommon as the pervasiveness of the phase “I want to just eat (them/her/him/it) up” seems to attest to. This kind of a thing seems to have a pretty logical outlet however – at least for me as described above.

The feeling I get from these thoughts of my Wife (that title still sounds a little like pretend to me I wonder if I will ever get used to it) is much more powerful and the yearning doesn’t seem to have a natural outlet. Of course marriage has its special shared moments. As beautiful as these are they seem to only make this yearning stronger. I haven’t been able to find an action that it seems to be directing. It’s like an emotional reaching. Like I want to actually have my mind touch hers, or hold hers, or be held by hers. I think maybe this is one of the many kind of feelings that are being descried but that totally inadequate and so often misapplied word; LOVE.

The most interesting part of these thoughts and the “feeling” that I have so often tried to describe to Charlotte has truly physical sensations associated with it. The rather stereotypical “shortness of breath” I am just so filled up there isn’t room for my lungs to fully expand. And my heart gets louder, and faster. I can feel every beat kind of warming my temples and to the front behind my eyes where there is a slight pressure. Like that is where my mind will make its escape for its rendezvous with hers. And the quickened heart beats pulse in my fingertips. There is also that feebleness right behind my knees like I need to pay close attention if I am going to be standing of walking , but is accompanied by an almost weightless feeling on my feet , like the pressure sensors all numbed in some way.

As I have been trying find some words that accurately portray this feeling it strikes me how clichéd so many of these descriptions are. I know there is no way she is going to understand how potent this continuing experience is for me with such apparent triviality. I suppose this is especially true with the amazing reality of your life together. I am not sure how I was able to maintain her interest. I met her way too early. Mostly because I stretched out my adolescence much too far into what should have been my young adulthood. I hope I am doing better now, but I know I have a lot to make up for. Somehow she was willing to give up on so much to tie herself to me. Even more amazing to me is that with my immaturely oriented and formulated goals, and my favorite inane distractions, I was somehow smart enough to maintain my pursuit of this girl. I know in a lot of ways it wasn’t very fair to her, but very soon after meeting her this intense sensation, I have so poorly explained, began to quietly blossom. Then as I got to know her and her family it became very clear to me that she going to be the best mother I possibly find for my children. Despite the ridiculous “plans” I was fantasizing about, I really always wanted, and thought I would have, children. How could I not do everything I could make sure that I gave them the best mother they could have after finding her. Unfortunately I has proved more difficult to make sure I am also giving them the best father I can. I am improving, I know, but there is just so much I want to change. Our kids are truly amazing and she has spent her whole life acquiring all the tools she would need to match her fierce commitment to help them reach the greatness in each of them.

I am so thankful for the many “little” thing she does constantly to make each of our lives so much better. I wish I had the words to help her to feel as truly special and valued as she is to me and many other people as well.